As a BDSM Matchmaker over the years I can say I have seen a lot of newbies on both sides of the spectrum that generally come off 'fake' as society now calls it. I have had subs who are so lonely and desperate contact me and I have spoken in length with other Dominants who have been labelled for there actions too. With a few of the BDSM groups I have on Facebook I often will see subs from all over the world that talk about having 'fake' Domme" encounters. It is honestly giving all of us a bad name and I think we all can safely say It's no secret that a few ladies during covid have watched one too many documentaries about Findom and now think they can make a quick buck WITHOUT understanding a dam thing or actually being involved in the lifestyle whatsoever. But is this actually all of them?? Also on the same token if a person is watching documentaries about a subject and reading online about a new Fetish, is that not just researching something new that they may be into??? Are we judging how newbies learn or are we dealing with more actual fakes??? To my knowledge I have never been called a fake...but I am sure it has happened over the years behind my back from a misunderstood soul or when someone has gotten the wrong idea about me promoting my website community.
It can be hard even with experience, during such times to connect with people online if you are used to connecting more with those you care about in person.
Worldwide lockdown has helped me to realize that many people are just doing things that they maybe never had time to do before to help get through the time. This can mean spending more time jerking off or maybe looking into aspects of Dominant and submissive dynamics. For the first time many people were able to narrow down what they were interested in and look into it objectively. People that lost their jobs had time to actually think about what makes them hot and bothered. Many have even acted on indulgence by exploring what they can at home, but if we look at how uncertainty and fears can be fueled its not hard to imagine what people could be learning about BDSM if they are looking at sites that aren't reputable.
Almost 15 years ago when I first learned about this lifestyle I had no idea wtf I was into. I worked in bars where men didn't care if I talked to them or not and would just tip me money. I loved to be bimbofied and some customers would ask for my number, I swear just to be turned down and then would tip me extra. Growing up broke I quickly became addicted to my behavior awarding me the lifestyle I knew I deserved and always dreamed about. Back then I knew I was a freak in the sheets and wanted to explore, but didn't properly get to know more about the lifestyle until almost 5 years after that! Telling a girlfriend about my Findom Fetish and how I loved to 'treat them mean to keep them keen' was scary for me... luckily the friend I spoke to was a Mistress and after I showed I was willing to learn and be respectful she graciously took me under her wing. Internet was not used as widely as it is now, and my phone was so old and heavy it counted as lifting weights in my weekly routine. Back then the only way to learn about this life was to submerse yourself right into it... times are different now. The world is different now.
I wonder if many of us who have been around for a while remember how intimidating it could be to say in a Dungeon that you have never tried something or don't really know how to do something you are interested in safely? Those first time experiences are so exciting but, If you could have watched videos and read about things more online first, or in chat groups do you think you would have tried?
Many people are misunderstood and coming off as all wrong because they don't know where to begin. I will say, that if you are communicating or in a relationship/dynamic already and having doubts about a person it is usually just best to END IT. We call these red flags for a reason, trust your instincts and remember to consider your safety and others at all times.
So do I believe in the term "fake Domme?" Well, I think there are a few bots out there aimed to bait vulnerable people for sure. However when engaging with a real person is the term 'fake' appropriate in most cases? No not really, and here is why.
Most of us know that until you place yourself in the actual community and learn the etiquette and basics of your role, there is a lot of ooops! and ahhhh! moments you will probably be guided or mentored through to help with your development. Maybe you were even released by someone you first cared about that collared you, because they knew you just weren't ready yet.
I think this term 'fake' is used mostly when someone doesn't live up to ones expectations, wants, or desires. As you will see below this disconnect between a D/s can happen for a variety of reasons. If you are seeking a dynamic an have not had success yet look at this list and ask yourself honestly if you are acting this way or subjecting people to this sort of behavior? If this is how your behaving, YOU MUST learn to ADJUST YOURSELF, seek help or walk away from this lifestyle, move on and realize its the person who matters - not the label.
From what I have seen online people may say you are a fake Domme if...
you are dishonest to those you expect to trust you. If you are a pathological liar being a Dominant is NOT suited for you in my opinion. When and if we are blessed to earn a subs trust, that honor is not to be taken lightly or to be broken. We are the keepers of ones most deepest fantasies and desires, but also ones most horrible secrets. Things that can destroy families, careers and public standing so trust is paramount in this lifestyle.
doesn't have any knowledge or experience in it and is purposefully trying to deceive a sub by saying that they do. (Be Honest with where you are in experience, and comfort. Trust me when I say there will still be a sub out there for you at all levels of experience trust me!)
somebody that doesn't take the time to understand the needs of their sub
Giving orders right off the bat by using honorifics when you're not even in a dynamic (unless already discussed or agreed upon, during vetting period)
gives you tasks to prove your submission to them right away. (this does not include filing out a basic get to know you questionnaire or survey lol)
if the Dominant doesn't want to know everything about you. (they should want to know EVERYTHING)
someone who doesn’t respect boundaries.
doesn’t care about your wants/needs,
jumps into the dynamic without vetting, and expects you to submit to them without earning it.
demands things of you immediately.
demands you call them Goddess/Master, Madam/Sir, etc right away. (I do not appreciate someone trying to top me from the bottom by pushing to call me Mistress when I am not there's I will tell the person to address me by my name Mizz. Honey Temper until things change, if they do at all. My Title is only important when used by those that give it importance)
tells you how you should act, what you can or cannot do or wear, how to feel, etc without an established dynamic or without that being something you want.
Ignores your feelings for their own benefit and touts that's their way of 'Domming'.
Can't take no for an answer, unless consented and agreed upon this is actually abuse.
Starts calling you pet names immediately when you aren't in a dynamic.
Remember a Dominant that is truly part of this lifestyle or aspiring to be, will take their time building things with you and will follow YOUR lead into the boundaries and limits you create for them. If a person you are interested in is behaving in these ways it is up to you to either communicate or walk away. Changes wont happen if they are not brought to ones attention. As a Dominant typically we aren't in a rush to prove ourselves, nor are we conceited in our approach. With experience and the right mentors and guides I believe a true Dominant can uplift a submissive through assignments and goal setting. Cares about their subs health mentally/ physically. Is helpful in nature and honest to themselves and others about what they are seeking. A Dominant that respects limits/ boundaries and will have considered aftercare for her subs needs above any Fetish, Kink or Fantasy. That I think is more important than evaluating if you think someone is real or a fake, instead find what fits.