Newbies to the lifestyle will want to research more about there fetishes and kinks so they can establish rules as well as hard/soft limits. If you are interested in a Domme a great start is to ask what kinks they are into and see what you may or may not have in common. I have an about your Mistress section on my website so potentials can see if they have compatibility with me or not straight away.
So what is the difference between rules and limits in the BDSM lifestyle? Well after about 10 years in the lifestyle, one thing that I wish I understood more was rules - the intention behind it as well as the difference between hard and soft limits.
These little pointers by The Goddess of Fetish Mizz. Honey Temper should keep you on the right track for creating a safe and respectful dynamic.
Rules are set up to help build a bond between the D/s as well as to guide the sub and help with areas of growth and development. Like the phrase says "rules are meant to be broken" Sometimes a new Domme may set rules for you that they know you need to improve on but may not achieve the first few times until a new habit is established. This is a failed rule. The entire concept of the D/s dynamic is a relationship built around the trust of following a basic ruleset. Some of these rules are imperative to the dynamic, while the others are enforced as a reaction to it. It’s crucial to understand the goal of these rules to avoid making mistakes along the way for both D/s.
It is essential for me to have honest dynamics. This is a challenge with pandemic lockdown but vetting will help you to weed out the scammers, and fakes. What I mean by this is I, personally, am only interested in truly honest reactions and interactions with a sub. To push a sub’s soft limits, (we will get into that more in a moment) you need to have enough information to know exactly where there limits lie, and how you can push on them in a positive, beneficial, and safe consenting manner. The more information you have, the more able you will be to accomplish this, and the greatest source of information from your sub will always be interactions, that are honest to the core.
If your sub has to try and decide if you would want them to break your own rule or not, the rule is a failure. I recommend being very careful about creating any persistent rules. Carefully consider:
What are all the possible scenarios in which this rule may be obsolete or impossible to follow?
Would this rule be more effective if it was implemented on a per-scene basis?
Could this rule force dishonest interactions?
When establishing rules you should try to follow these guidelines:
Every rule should have an intended result that will benefit your sub.
Every rule should be executed with confidence - perfectly clear, without any need for guessing what you mean.
Every rule should be spoken clearly, with authority.
The Dominant leads, guides, and protects the submissive so it is your responsibility to ensure your rules are not seriously harmful to a subs mental or physical well being.
Rules are different from limits. Rules are established after getting to know your sub, establishing trust and evaluating what makes sense in your particular dynamic. These can change over time by your Dommes choosing to help with your progression and development. If a sub tells me that they don't have any soft or hard limits as a Domme I will most likely have a stricter vetting process to determine your mind set. If it is just a no limits or Total Power Exchange you are craving then I will still try to find out as much as I can about you because I believe EVERYONE HAS LIMITS. As long as RACK is being followed total power exchanges can be invigorating for both the D/s but without clear communication, trust and understanding this can be dangerous too. I recommend having rules and limits firmly in place and established before any scene commences.
Communication in the D/s lifestyle is key! If a new sub to the scene told me they have no limits I would ask for a razor and have them sit while I shave only 1 eyebrow off and allow them to thank me for helping them understand the reason we establish soft and hard limits.
A soft limit is something that a sub hesitates or is apprehensive about, or places strict conditions on, but for which they may still give informed consent. An action could be prohibited except under specific circumstances or an area of discomfort that someone wishes to avoid. Soft limits can also include actions that require a cautious approach or — while somewhat appealing — still generates an uncomfortable amount of apprehension in one or more partners. When playing with soft limits remember before a scene to review safe word, check for body language and the well being of your sub.. when in subspace they may not have the ability to say a safe word so it is up to you to know your sub and know when enough is enough.
This brings us to Hard limits. A hard limit is something that must always be respected, never pushed or influenced on you and always respected. Hard limits are to never be broken, violating a hard limit is considered a just cause for ending a scene or even a relationship and goes against RACK. When a safe word is brought up from anyone in the scene you need to shut it down. Before trying to ask your sub about considering their hard limit remember to have some fucking respect and follow the guidelines everyone in BDSM holds sacred of RACK and shut it down.
(RACK stands for risk aware consensual kink) I put my hard limits below to show you an example, though I recommend you do your research and make your own rules everyone is different and what may not be ok for me could be to another Mistress.
Mizz. Honey Temper's Hard Limits
Every Experience especially one of an extreme nature must be vetted, evaluated and meet SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual) and RACK (stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink) for all parties evolved.
If a safe word is mentioned by anyone at any given time the scene ends.
No sexual intercourse
No scarring, cutting, branding or permanent marks
No anal penetration
No blood, no blades or knives, no weapons
No alcohol or drugs in my safe spaces in scene or session time
Domination in many forms only
No communication without tribute verification ($20minimum sent Here) I am a Findom and FemDomme you were put on this earth to serve and you will give to the likes of my species. I want to see you smile, you must be happy to bleed cash for my empire.
No Money ... No Honey!
There are literally thousands of other Dommes, so start looking because I am not interested in broke boys only rich happy, healthy piggy's that adore a sadist like Me to rule over them and all men. I will expect total obedience, absolute control and with time the ability to push you beyond what you ever knew you were capable of, within the parameters of limits and boundaries we establish together.