Tired of the same same and ready to consider the next obvious step in your sexual journey and progression of humiliating yourself and everyone who by association knows you? It's time to embarrass yourself by playing with, Cock-Condiments! Single weak beta's with no Mistress or are owned, permitted to play, love to be degraded and know that women generally think your gross, this blog is for you. Those who want to feel ULTRA pathetic while getting off to almost expired food or non parishable items, as well as the slightly curious on what the fuck people who read Mizz.Honey Tempers blogs get up to, please also read on.
Reading this blog may actually make some of you want to vomit, and others knowing that may give this food bang a good old college try, just for the thrill of knowing you did. I have no judgement, simply suggestions to the weak and eager to blow. (after all you are some of my most loyal subjects) Fucking your pillow, sock and pocket pussy must be boring by now. Since you gave all your money as well as next weeks earnings to Mistress in a cycle of work, serve, obey, and repeat, the least I can do is help you get creative with things to fuck when permitted and alone, working away, or at home as my money pig. A select few may even decide to see how consenting people react to this jerk off idea and attempt this at an event or Dungeon. Please don't invite me I get enough kink shaming being a Findom at local events and more than my fair share of home videos with things subs like to fuck or be fucked by as it is.
I think its obvious and you shouldn't have to be told that you shouldn't nail foods your allergic to eat or that irritates the skin. It's also obvious that If your going to fuck food, most edible items would be more enjoyable when warmed to a average vaginal or anal temperature in the microwave; (think about your pathetic feeble pecker with caution and make sure you test the temperature with your finger first before putting your lil soldier into anything that can seriously give you burns or blisters)
Virgins, desperate men, wimps and goons can try this technique with a small cucumber. Be honest with yourself. Other horny men who feel adequate about themselves but not necessarily what they are about to do will take my advice and go for the large zucchini, squash, watermelon, honeydew, or cantaloupe to help feel big about this situation.
How to get this done. I'm going to recommend you cut a hole to fit your erection in one side of your food item, and a smaller opening the size of a straw in the other. Dig out the inside to fit your cock and then screw the melon until you can serve that juice for cocktails. You can place your finger over the small hole and remove it to adjust the pull and help to simulate the effect of getting a a blowie. Another idea is to fill the hole with chocolate pudding or Jell-O so you can have a taste before you get it on.
Ready for round two? Of course you are. That was clearly only a small appetizer for a sick dick like you, this time you need to get a jar and fill it with some household canned goods. This can be canned corn, stewed tomatoes, Spaghetti, mac-n-cheese, cottage cheese, oatmeal, peanut butter, yogurt, honey, or left over birthday cake. Cover the top of the jar with a few layers of plastic wrap to ad a tight feel and a rubber band, cut a hole and you're ready to go!
• Saliva is often the No. 1 go-to for free natural lubrication. Other popular alternatives that can found around the home and you are probably using are Vaseline, Vitamin E, Crisco, lard, unsalted butter, body lotion, vegetable/corn/olive/mineral/or baby oil.
• Unless you're a masochist NEVER use soap, shampoo, conditioner or shaving cream. These can cause a burning feeling in the urethra. If you do it anyway, beware that peeing and ejaculating may be painful for several days, hehehe, the stinging will eventually subside and get you ready for my next blog about Urethra Masturbation.
When your done remember to save the planet and eat your fucking dinner.